JAPAN FORUM

[azumarisan]

Hi,

That was by both japanese men and women. If you are a wife in Japan you don't matter, especially a gaijin (foreigner) - because they assume you don't speak japanese (which i could) and they think you don't matter because the husband is the boss in japan.

Even family members treated me this way. And don't get me wrong my husbands family is very kind but they follow japanese society in the way they treat people.

If anyone wanted to know something about me they didn't ask me, they asked my husband. My husbands father also, didn't tell me something to my face, he would tell my husband to make me do such and such, and i was treated like a baby, eg i couldn't go outside by myself or catch the train by myself because i was a woman. For heavens sake i was 27 years old and in my own country i could fly to the moon if i wanted, but not in Japan.

I had a greater appreciation of Australia when i came home, i really did.

Japanese people are just following what they know, but it can really be depressing as a wife in japan. I wish i could have gone as a tourist instead!! haha

And another thing, when my husband got to Japan, his personality totally changed, he became "japanese" (yes, he was japanese before but then he was used to aussie ways so became relaxed). My husband became very serious as opposed to his usual joking self. He had to follow every custom, and i felt he let me down because he didn't stand up for me.

It was very hurtful and i began to question if i married the right person, but when we got back to australia he was the usual husband that i knew.

I have since figured it out, that japan has these rigid societal rules that you *have* to follow if you don't want to become a social outcast. My husband didn't feel comfortable but it was what he had to be to fit in. Plus, if we made any mistake socially, his parents and immediate family will still be in Japan so they have to face any mistake we had made, so it was a lot of pressure to do the right thing socially.

I hope that answers your question, and more. (sorry if it's abit long)

Have a nice day

Kelly
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I'm an Aussie woman married to a Japanese guy. (=^_^=)

[Tomoko]

Thanks for the explanation, I appreciate it. I was curious because when I experienced any type of "snubbing" it was usually from women and never the men. The men were "careful" but they seemed more open to a foreign woman being in their company whereas the women treated me as if I were invisible.

It is interesting that you mentioned, "...when my husband got to Japan, his personality totally changed, he became "japanese" (yes, he was japanese before but then he was used to aussie ways so became relaxed). "

It is interesting that a majority of the men I know act this way whether they are Japanese or not. They have one personality when they are away from their family and another when they are with them.

Dewa mata suguni ne!

[azumarisan]

Hi Tomoko,

When i'm thinking about it, when we were staying at his parents house, we were back to "normal" , it was just outside of the house that he became another person. At times though, if outsiders came into his parents house, he would become another person.

The funny thing was, that during that time, all the japanese couples we met remarked that we were "nakayoshi", something they would like to be. I guess it's an element missing from a japanese relationship, in that japanese marriage is more about duty than love. (or can be)

I too have found the thing about the Japanese women, they are very clique-y...they hang around in a group and don't welcome outsiders. I found it hard to get to know any women in japan, unless they had travelled overseas. The women who had travelled overseas seemed to be very easy to talk to and always wanted to talk to me. The other women however, sometimes ignored me, and i too had the sense that i was invisible.

Have you travelled widely in Japan, and how long did you stay? Just curious

Kelly
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I'm an Aussie woman married to a Japanese guy. (=^_^=)

[mastrauss]

I have always been attracted to asian women; even when I was 5 my favorite playmate in school was an asian girl.

Anyway, I have a Japanese girlfriend for the past 7 years. I have learned a lot about their culture. It was hard though.

What I like:
Japanese girls: love, honor and respect us. They know that they need to be our support at home for us to do a good job at work and for the family.
They know how to keep their men happy. They know the difference between healthy and un-healthy food and make sure their men eat healthy. They do their very best to please us. All they want in return is proper support (have a good job, don't waste our money on frivolus(?) things, but be smart and use it for family and childrens futures. They don't like it when we spend money on them, unless all debts are paid off and we can afford it.

American girls: use, yell at and abuse us. They are self-cented, don't care about our basic needs, expect us to work hard on the job and be their support at home (even if they don't work). they don't keep us happy. They don't care about healthy food (on average), they want us to spend money on them(on average) they dont really care how we spend money.

Again these comments are about the avereage american female. There are always exceptions.

My japanese girls has shown me more love and respect then any american girl I dated.

Mike

[azumarisan]

My Japanese husband has shown me more respect than a western men ever has, and we are equal (which is totally unlike other japanese men). I am an exception to the aussie woman in that i make my husband a japanese bento box every day for work, and i cook mostly japanese food.
In fact, most of my japanese friends can't be bothered doing that for their aussie husbands...they would rather be relaxed and easygoing like ozzies are...haha...

I don't know about american women, but are they *that* inconsiderate??
I thought when you love someone you always do your best for them no matter what nationality you are!! (well that's my idea anyway).
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I'm an Aussie woman married to a Japanese guy. (=^_^=)

[mastrauss]

In general, american women are like this. There are exceptions to every rule, but I would have to say the majority are like this.

[Darth Vader]

[fankytomato]

Hi Darth,

My opinion only: anyone from one culture will be different when placed in another. To the extent that you woul dbe a social outcast will depend largly on your attitude. Of course, circumstances will have an influence, however if you attempt to assimilate then most Japanese will be very welcoming.

Assimilation is more than just eating sashimi and hanging trinket from your phone. It involves an appreciation of Japanese culture and how one is to act in certain circumstances.

As mentioned above, Japanese will often communicate in a very indirect way (the example of father in law talking to husband not wife) however this is just how most if not all Japanese will live. If you accept that, and learn to communicate back in a similar way, you will blend in fine.

I think that many westerners make the false assumption that the culture they know is the correct one and that all others are an abberation. Of course, there are some aspects of culture that are universal, or are truely universal.

Kind Regards,
Steve

[solankie]

I just heard some guy on KROQ say he saw Angelina Jolie in person and she is FUGLY. She had no makeup on and her lips were cracked like she sucked on a crack pipe. Has anyone else seen her in person and think the same?
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market samurai ~ marketsamurai ~ marketsamurai.com

[vicvic]

[applause]

Hi
yes you are right I believe a lot of Japan doesn't really have street names as we're used to, and the maze-like layout of a lot of residential areas can be really disorienting at first.

[Solaris]

I believe the picture at the following page sums up mastrauss' opinions nicely:

http://www.the-niceguy.com/biweekly/2005-Mar-13.html

You can't miss it, it's a few lines down. I'd cut and paste it, but I'm not sure if the owner would appreciate it.
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Visit NiceGuy's American Women (mostly) Suck to read about a man who found happiness with a Japanese wife.